Nations of the World

Last week I posted something called Nations of the World:  Albania.  I figured I should explain what my plan is for this.  Since two of the shows I write about will be over soon and I will have nothing to write about (not true, but whatever), I figured I would write about every nation of the world (not a bloody chance). 

So each week or so (whenever I feel like it), I will choose a country at random and write about it.  Sometimes I will just make crap up and post pictures of hot girls.  Other times I will post real things about the country.  You will never know which it will be (depending on my mood, neither will I).

I would appreciate any thoughts or feedback the rest of you have out there.  I could continue to write sextails, but that means I will some more material.  So ladies, feel free to volunteer for research material.  And no, this does not mean I have only had sex like six times or something.  Just that the majority of them were not that funny.

Anyways for your enjoyment here is a nice article from Arrogant Atheist about arresting the Pope.  Sounds like a great idea to me...

Sex Tails, A Woo Hoo Pt. 6

This weeks story comes from the year, umm, 2001 maybe.  I have no clue when this happened to be honest.  I know that it was summer time.  My brother and I were heading to Pittsburgh with Dan to see Blink 182/Green Day, and also to party with Dan at Pitt.

Anyways, the concert was fun, but I would like to focus on the party.  There were a few people at this party, mostly dudes, in fact 94% of them were guys.  In fact, there were only something like three girls at this party and maybe 47 males.  One of those girls had a boyfriend, who was with her.  So that took the odds of getting laid WAY down.

Do you think that would stop me though?  Absolutely not.  In fact, somehow I slept with one of the girls.  Her name was Marilyn.  I do not remember much of it though, we went to her place, had sex and then I woke up in the morning to her telling me I had to go and her explaining how to get back to Dan's place.

Fast-forward to 2003.  I am at work.  I go out to my table to get their drinks and I see this girl I recognize.  I ask her if she is Marilyn and she says yes.  She then asks how we know each other.

Me:  Do you remember Dan?
Marilyn:  Oh yeah, were you one of his roommates or something?
Me:  No, just a friend of his.  Remember that party he had before the Blink 182/Green Day concert?

Marilyn:  Oh yeah (she now completely forgets I am there and begins telling this story to her friends).  So before I go to this party I had this huge fight with my boyfriend.  I get to the party and decide to sleep with whoever I could get.  The next morning my boyfriend calls and apologizes and wants to come over.  I had to wake up this dude and make him run out of the apartment.  Hahahaha.
Me:  Yeah, that was me.  Thanks, can I get you anything to drink?

Her face went completely red.  As you can see, I leave a huge impression on the ladies.

I think this is her in this picture.  She actually looked much better when I was hammered.

Sex Tails, A Woo Hoo Pt. 5

Before you all start to think that I am some kind of sex god, I figured I might as well write about some of my failures. Every guy has had them, things look good and then all of a sudden you are back home rubbing one out. No shame in it, happens all the time.

Champs Girl One
One of the perks of going to Champs every night and living right up the street is that you get to know a good many bartenders and servers. Many nights I would sit out at the front bar and usually the waitresses would talk to me when they came up to get drinks (it is always smart to sit near the service area).

One night, this one really hot girl is talking to me (her name is Angela) and we are flirting back and forth. She gives me her number and I head back to the apartment with Gideon. We are playing cards or something when she sends me a text asking if I want to come over. I have Gideon drive me over, she lives in Toftrees and I figure it would be smart to not have my vehicle...

I get there and we have a few drinks and discuss all sorts of things. We keep flirting and even make out a little. Then comes the moment. I figure things are going to get sexy. Instead she brings out her bong and wants to know if I want to smoke weed.

Not really what I expected. After that we head to the bedroom and make out for a bit more then she passes out. Odd right? A few nights later I see her at Champs and she is like "hey we should hang out again." So, I give it a second shot. Head over to her place and the same thing happens. If you are wondering, I did not partake in any marijuana, it is illegal.

The next morning we wake up and her sister comes over for something. They are talking and Angela introduces me and the sister is like "oh, so this is Josh." Very weird, right? I went over one last time, and ended up leaving before anything happened. Why? Well I come in, and there are lines of coke on the coffee table. Obviously not the kind of girl I should be hanging out with. I went home and laughed about it with Gideon.

Champs Girl Two
I met another girl, maybe Stacie or something like that, in much the same way. Only this night we drank when her shift ended. She told me how she was from Clearfield and blah blah blah. She suggests going to my place for a drink.

We get to 224D and head to my room to have a beer. She wants to look at my pictures from Jordan/Egypt. This must be some kind of aphrodesiac for girls. I start showing them my pictures and immediately they want to start making out. We are making out and things are seeming to go well. Very well. And then out of nowhere she stops and goes "I should go."

What? She wanted to come over, what the hell could have changed? Anyways, after that, we texted a few times, but never really hung out after that.

Tampon Girl
This next story is not for the faint of heart. One night I am talking to this girl, and we come back to my place. I would say that there was making out or anything, but there really was not. She was down for some sex.

There she is, lying on my bed. Naked, ready to go. I am about to penetrate, when she says wait, and reaches down and grabs a little string, which I did not notice until this moment. She gives it a tug and her tampon comes out.

I swear to you, it made this sound: KERRR-thunk. Like someone pulling a plug out of a drain. She then tosses the damn thing into my trash can like it was a napkin or something. She looks at me and says "okay, now we can do it." Ugh, sorry honey, not getting my red-stripe today. Plus, the smell hits me and I do not think lil' Joshy was up for it anymore. I asked her to leave after that.

Damn, that still makes me gag.

Sex Tails, A Woo Hoo Pt. 4

In this installment of the wildly popular Sex Tails, I will be focusing on another person's funny stories. I have a few more of my own, but these are pretty funny and should entertain you. Anyone wants to send me their own stories and see them here, feel free to email them to me.

Anyways, my friend Justin worked with this guy (Rich) at Champs. Rich was a bartender and about eight years older than us. I would not really call him a friend, but I drank at his bar and he told some of the best sex stories. These are just a few that I recall (one is not really a sex story, but funny nonetheless).

Southern Belle
One night Justin and I are downstairs where Rich is tending bar. We are drinking and shooting pool and watching Rich hit on this girl from Memphis (that is in Tennessee for you geography morons out there). As it approaches it closing time, Rich comes to us and says we need to go now so he can finish up and take her back to her hotel.

One thing you should know about this girl, she had a very think southern accent. Rich is at her hotel, bangin' the hell out of her, and that magic time is almost there: Rich is about to explode. Right before he does though, she screams out "Ohhh Reech, cahm on mah belleee!" Apparently that caused him to start laughing at her (and also cum on her belly). Needless to say we used to yell that all the time at Champs.

The 18 Year Old
Rich was quite good at getting the very young servers at Champs into bed. For those of you who never go to Champs, you should know that the owner only hires hot girls. For a few days Rich is trying very hard with new girl, who is 18. One night she comes over to his place and they watch a movie.

During the movie, Rich realizes he is not going to get any from her. In fact, he is worried that she might be a virgin. He looks at his phone and texts another girl, who is easy and wants to have sex that night. The movie finishes and Rich walks the girl to the door. She gives him a hug and then without hesitation drops to her knees and starts performing fellatio (a blowjob).

As Rich put it, she was amazing. She is working it like (insert lame metaphor here). Rich is about to blow when the girl suddenly stops. She stands up and looks at Rich, who is quite perplexed, and says "that was just a little preview of what you could get next time." And then she walks to her car and leaves Rich standing there with his dick hanging in the wind (almost literally if it were a windy night I suppose).

Now, a normal guy would just jerk off and figure out a way to get her over there tomorrow. Not Rich, he calls the other chick, has sex with her, boots her out of his place and then decides to never call the first chick ever again. We asked him why and he was like "fuck that cock tease." Must be nice to get chicks with such ease.

Seattle
This is not a sex story. Rich moved out to Seattle for a little while. When he got there, he found a construction job and one night after work he goes to his nice sports bar which reminded him of Champs.

He is in there watching some game and talking to the bartender. They talk about fishing and after awhile the bartender asks if he wants to go fishing on Saturday. Rich is like "hell yeah." He knew no one out there and wanted to find the good holes.

Saturday he and the guy go fishing all day and have a great time. The guy drops Rich off and asks if he wants to go out drinking that night. Rich says sure and the guy says to meet him at the bar.

Rich shows up and sees his new found friend, who is wearing a very tight shirt and leather pants. Again, Rich thinks nothing of this. They sit at the bar and they are talking and Rich starts to notice that there are an awful lot of guys at this bar. He then begins to notice the way his friend is staring at him and keeps touching his arm. Rich panics and asks "is this some kind of gay bar?"

The guy is like "of course it is, why else would there be a huge rainbow on the sign?" Rich had no idea there was a rainbow, and up until this point had been oblivious to the fact that there were no hot girls around. In fact, he just figured it was because it was a sports bar. Rich ended up staying at the bar, and I guess he and the guy became friends, but I would have loved to have seen that moment of realization on Rich's face...

I know these stories were not nearly as funny to you guys since none of you know Rich, but they crack me up. Tune in next week for one of my own.

Sex Tails, A Woo Hoo Pt. 3

Remember when I went to Jordan and Egypt? Did I ever mention how horny I was when I got back? I went over six weeks without any type of release. Well I did have sex with the one girl, but other than that, it was like three weeks without masturbating. Needless to say, I was on the verge of exploding.

After being back a few days, I decided to go out after playing some softball with James and Jason. We went up to the Arena (was it called The Last Cowboy still?) and shot pool. I decided to send this girl we worked with, Liz, a text message asking what she was doing.

For those of you that don't know about Liz, let me explain. She was a complete whore. I had sex with her a bunch of times and it was not great, but it was always good if drunk or whatever.

She says that she is over at Gideon's apartment, helping him clean. I then let her know that if she wants to take a break, I could give her a little reward (considering that I am planning on moving into that apartment with Gideon). She says okay, and we meet up at this usual spot. At this point, I did not have my own place in State College yet, I had lived at my mom's for about a semester before going to Jordan.

The nice thing about this girl was, she had no delusions about what this relationship was, there was no talking, no how are you, just lets have sex and lets make it quick. So, we start going at it and after about 45 seconds, I am ready to explode, and I think she can tell. So, she gets down and starts giving me a little mouth action.

I am not some kind of porn star, and when I get off, it does not fly across the room or anything cool like that. However, this time, I looked like some kind circus freak. I shoot, and it must of taken her by surprise because she pulls it out of her mouth, unfortunately for her, I am not done. I shoot another round, and she moves out of the way! It lands like five feet away.

So, I put my pants back on, hop in my car (we were having sex outside at a park by the way) and send James a text message asking him if they are still at the bar. They are, so I go over and go back to pool and beer. Apparently I was gone for like fifteen minutes...

Sex Tails, A Woo Hoo Pt. 2

It is time for another scintillating tale about sex. In the last story, I amazed you with how big of a jerk I can be, well this one probably is not much better.

When I first started working at The Place That Shall Not Be Named (for fear that HR will read it and try to punish me again) in the summer of '02 there was a cute server named Jess. One night after a long midnight shift together, Jess, Tom, and I all went to Denny's for breakfast.

It was at this point that we had the brilliant idea to get beer and drink by the pool at State College Park all day. Which we did, and had a great time. Sadly though, we kept drinking all night long, and into the wee hours of the next morning. It started to become apparent that Jess was into me, so I talked to her for a bit and we ended up having sex. This is the reason that Matt K hated my guts at work because he tried to hook up with her, but she turned him down for me.

So for the next few weeks we work together and whatnot, I hang out with her a few more times and once I realize I am not going to have sex with her again, I pretty much stop talking to her. She was hot, but very dumb and very uninteresting.

Anyways, a few months go by and I have since moved into apartment #352 at State College Park with Justin and Jackson. During one of the first weekends, we all go out and get pretty drunk for the Penn State game. Justin and I end up back at the apartment (we think Jackson was banging this girl nicknamed Stop-Sign, mainly because her head was very large and octagon shaped).

I get a call from Jess, she is drunk and over at Snappy's and cannot get a cab. She asks if she can stay at my place. So she comes over and the three of us are drinking some beers and shooting the shit. Jess asks if it is okay to sleep on the couch. Justin (being one of the greatest humans alive) says "so wait, you two have had sex before, right?" She says yes, he then asks if she has a boyfriend. She says no. Justin then basically convinces her that it would be stupid of her not to have sex with me. She thinks about this for a little bit, and says "you are right!"

Next thing I know, we are in my room, and she is riding me like there is prize money involved. So, while we are going at it, I notice something. The light under my door is blocked, meaning someone is standing outside the door. At that moment, I realize that Justin is contemplating on walking in and seeing if he can have a turn or join in, whatever.

Luckily the phone rings, and it is Kim. She wants to come over and have sex with Justin (this is the girl who one time told me that her pussy is made of gold, to which Justin replied "gold, that thing is a cum dumpster, it should say biowaste on the side").

After that night, I never really talked to Jess again, I think maybe once on myspace years later. I will say this about her though, she could ride a dick.

This is a picture of her from that first day of drinking. That is Tom presenting her ass...

Sex Tails, A Woo Hoo

I was thinking about how many of the times I have had relations with a lady (meaning: sex with a whore)were the result of either too much alcohol or umm, well usually just the alcohol. This usually leads to some funny stories, so that leads me to think that maybe I could share a few of them every once in awhile.

I first started working at the Place that Shall Not Be Named in the summer '02. During the winter of that year they hired a girl, we shall call her Little Princess (LP for short). She was pretty hot, I will not lie, unfortunately she was a bitch, hence the name Little Princess.

At first I tried to be nice to her, in fact I would hang out with her, watch movies, blah blah blah. Sadly that did not seem to work. So I stopped talking to her, mostly because I was done trying and also because I got the sense that she might be a whore. Do not get me wrong, I do not judge girls if they are whores, but that does not mean I will spend a lot of time trying to get some from them.

At some point she gets evicted from her apartment and is at work telling the manager how she has no place to stay, she is crying. The manager says "well Joshy, you live pretty close, why doesn't she stay with you?" Just what I wanted, a freeloader. So, I let her stay with me. And thus begins the destruction of Little Princess.

She sleeps on the couch, and she is such a bitch to my roommates. She yells at Justin one morning for making too much noise. He threatens her with "bitch, I will throw you off the balcony." He gets even though by offering me a ride to work one day because it is snowing, she says "can you guys wait five minutes for me?" Justin responds "nope." And we left, and she walked to work.

So, one very cold night, she is out at the bar, I am at home doing something super cool (sitting in my room, watching Lord of the Rings, and organizing my comics). She comes back to the apartment, barges in my room and starts crying about how some guy was mean to her at the bar. I tell her to shut up, which causes her to start crying. She does not understand why I am so mean to her and why I don't think she is pretty. You can see where this is going right? Do I have to spell it out? Preying on a girl when her self-esteem is lowest...classy.

Do not fear though, after that I allowed her to continue sleeping in my bed and usually had sex with her each night. I was mainly afraid that Justin was going to really toss her off the balcony. She would try to cuddle with me after sex and I would cringe away from her, which I think caused her to turn around and sob herself to sleep.

She eventually got tired of being treated like crap by me and my roommates. If she was sleeping, we would make as much noise as possible. I mean, dickhead things, like banging pots and pans together. Or, watching episodes of Simpsons and laughing obnoxiously loud. She moved back to Altoona, and eventually went to jail for something. Who knows what she is up to nowadays.

This taught me a valuable lesson though, girls with low self-esteem are much easier to bang. If a girl has high self-esteem, just tear it down and she will be begging for a little action. And people wonder why I have the second-in-command seat reserved in Hell.